Dominique Peters

finding your sexual voice, Dominique Peters, sex and relationship coach

Why you freeze in the bedroom and don’t know what to ask for: Finding your sexual voice

By | female empowerment | No Comments

Finding your sexual voice

In my work with women, both as a sex coach and an Intentional Creativity teacher, my work is all about helping them find their voice again after staying silent for years. Maybe you’ve already done this work of finding your voice? You dance, you have a creativity practice, you sing, you journal, you practice asserting your boundaries. But if you’re finding that you still freeze in the bedroom, don’t know what you want or even how to ask for it, you need to learn how to find your sexual voice.

Before I tell you what your sexual voice is, and how to find it, let me give you some of my story:

I was raised in the church to be a good girl. Obedient, demure, polite, undemanding, and definitely not sensual or to have my own sexual desire. I never raised my voice because when I tried I was punished– not by my parents but by various teachers I had growing up. I was taught to look after everybody else’s emotions, not rock the boat, keep quiet and don’t make a fuss.

Asking for what I wanted was “selfish” and “demanding”, and I was never allowed to put my own needs, wants or desires first.

If this sounds like you, then you’re not alone. This message of “keep quiet, don’t be selfish” is stays with us into adulthood, and it creeps into every area of our lives, including your sexuality. You become so used to staying silent that you have no idea who you are or what you want anymore.

This is why you need to learn how to find your sexual voice again.

But what is your sexual voice? If I could summarize it in just one sentence, it would be this:

You feel unapologetic and unashamed to be who you really are as a sexual being.

Just let that sink in for a moment. Does that feel true for you, right now? If it doesn’t, then notice where that shows up in your body. Finding your sexual voice is a process of coming alive and coming home to your body.

Here’s a checklist of how I define your sexual voice:

  • You feel empowered to speak up and ask for what you want.
  • You feel able to say NO to what you don’t want.
  • You feel unashamed to express your pleasure out loud and make noise when you’re making love.
  • You know who you are as a sexual being and how you like to show up in the bedroom.
  • You feel confident to interrupt a sexual activity when something hurts, feels uncomfortable, or if you’re just not feeling it.
  • You feel completely comfortable with your vulva and intimate areas and can name all of the parts without feeling embarrassed.
  • You know what your turn-ons and turn-offs are, and know how to express them to your beloved.
  • You aren’t afraid to take erotic risks because you know what your hard limits are, and how to voice them.

How many of those did you check off? It’s not a competition or a test, if you didn’t check off any then that’s completely ok! Think of this list as something to aspire to.

If you want to start finding your unique sexual voice and be able to finally ask for what you want in bed, then I invite you to book a 30 minute complimentary Sacred Compass Activation with me. Book it here.

You can also follow me on Instagram and on Facebook.

Mahalo nui loa

Dominique

The 5 Love Languages, Valentines Day,

How to give love this Valentine’s Day: The 5 Love Languages

By | Love and Relationships | No Comments

We are officially moving into the season of LOVE and ROMANCE! (Omg, can you hear how excited I am already?!) As a sex and relationship coach and priestess of the sacred arts, I just love teaching my clients how to make love, be love and be IN love!

One of my all time favorite tools to recommend to my clients- whether you’re in a new relationship, a long term relationship, in a non-monogamous relationship or have been married for over 30 years- is The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Maybe you’ve heard of it already, as it is a classic, precisely because it’s so good.

All human beings want to be loved, and I believe that at our core essence (when you strip back all of the hurt, pain and anger that we accumulate during our lives) we just want to love others too. The beauty of the 5 Love Languages is that it doesn’t apply to romantic relationships either; you can use it with all of your relationships. With your parents, your family, with your children- heck, maybe even with your boss?!

This Valentine’s, I invite you to step into your true essence: LOVE.

The first step to working with the 5 Love Languages is to find out what your unique Love Languages are. View it here. You can also buy the original book, which I highly recommend you keep in your library.

How about using the 5 Love Languages to get really creative to show your partner how much you love them?

Here’s my take:


1. Physical Touch

As humans we are literally wired for touch; when babies are not given enough physical touch, they do not thrive. Depending on what culture you live in, I’ll guess that you are touch starved because you’re not getting enough physical contact! There are different levels of touch, and what you prefer will depend on the context. Do you prefer nurturing touch (gently holding, a soothing shoulder rub, holding hands)? Or maybe you love sensual touch (a whole body massage, a juicy foot rub, a full body caress)? Or, it can vary depending on the person you’re with.

Your body craves touch and connection, so I invite you to think about how important touch is for you in a relationship, and how you like to be touched.

Physical touch gifts:

Take a walk holding hands, offer to give a soothing foot rub or head massage, give your lover the gift of a full body sensual massage with scented oil, cocoon your beloved (or family member) in a blanket and hold them.


2. Words of Affirmation

How do you express your love, desire, and appreciation for your partner verbally? You may think that they already know, but hearing it from you can make a whole world of difference and make them feel loved. Building up your beloved with verbal praise can be a key part of a happy relationship. If you feel like you’re always nagging them, or you feel constantly criticized, then now is the time to get into the habit of positive affirmation.

Words of affirmation also works in the bedroom too! Do you praise them for what they are doing right? Do you tell them: “I LOVE IT WHEN YOU… ” or “You drive me wild when you do this…”, or “You feel so damn good when you…”. Our partners want to know they’re doing a good job, and building them up in the bedroom. It will definitely enhance your intimacy.

Words of Affirmation Gifts:

Tell your beloved how proud you are of them when they achieve one of their goals, tell them how much you appreciate when they do something helpful, tell your partner all the reasons why you love them and in the bedroom tell them how much what they are doing is turning you on.

3. Quality Time

In our busy lives, when we’re either working, running after the family or escaping onto our smartphones, it’s so easy to forget that one of the most precious gifts we can give is our time. If you think back to the memorable moments you’ve had together, you’ll find that it wasn’t necessarily about where you were, it was that you had time together. The things that you do and experience together are the ones that will stay in your memory for years, and make your bond even stronger.

How do you do you spend time with each other? Can you actually call it being together, while you are present and connected? I invite you to pay attention to the quality of your shared time together: Are you always on your phone? Do you numb out by watching TV? Are your thoughts always somewhere else? Are you just “too busy” to spend time with your beloved? (Hint, you are never too busy. You make time for what is truly important, so you need to figure out your priorities.

You only have so many hours in one day, and so many hours to spend with your beloved. How are you going to organize your time to show them how much you love them?

Quality Time Gifts:

Make time in your schedule to take your beloved out for a coffee one morning or afternoon, just the two of you. Make time at least three times a week to have a meal together where all technology is banned! Schedule a romantic getaway a few times a year, even if it’s just for one night. It doesn’t have to be anywhere expensive, what’s important is you go into your bubble.


4. Receiving Gifts

Does giving and receiving gifts seems like an important love language to you? Gifts don’t have to be expensive, it could be bringing your lover a cup of coffee in the morning, buying them their favorite cake, bringing home flowers or leaving love notes on the fridge. Whatever the gift is, it’s about making them feel you think about them not only on special occasions. You could combine your gift with the language of touch and give them a soothing massage before bed, with no expectation of anything in return.

Remember, the most valuable gifts we can give are gifts that come from a place of love and thoughtfulness. Think to yourself, how can I delight my beloved today? What would make them light up and smile?

Gift ideas:

If your partner is a coffee lover, make a habit of buying them some artisan coffee from time to time. Buy your partner some beautiful flowers- and yes, even if they are a man because men love flowers too! Leave your partner some little love notes around the house, or a note on the fridge when you leave for work every day. Send your partner little texts during the day to let them know that you’re thinking of them. Take them out for dinner every once in a while- yes, even if you are a woman and your partner is a man! The men in our lives need treating too, so taking care of each other works both ways.

5. Acts of Service

You know the saying how words don’t mean a thing without actions? The same goes in relationships. While showing your partner you love them with words is important, so is following through with your actions. Think about it, how important is feeling helped and supported in a relationship for you? It’s one thing for your beloved to tell you that they support you, it’s another for them to show it with what they do.

Acts of Service Gifts:

Make them them breakfast in bed. Decide to finally clean out the garage. Help them out with their taxes.  or taking the kids out to play so they can have some quiet time, with no expectation of anything in return.

If you desire to really bring your love life into its full potential, then the Orgasmic Breakthrough Bootcamp could be for you, goddess. I have 4 slots open until February 28th, and you can secure your spot today!

Click here to book your place, beauty!