female empowerment

finding your sexual voice, Dominique Peters, sex and relationship coach

Why you freeze in the bedroom and don’t know what to ask for: Finding your sexual voice

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Finding your sexual voice

In my work with women, both as a sex coach and an Intentional Creativity teacher, my work is all about helping them find their voice again after staying silent for years. Maybe you’ve already done this work of finding your voice? You dance, you have a creativity practice, you sing, you journal, you practice asserting your boundaries. But if you’re finding that you still freeze in the bedroom, don’t know what you want or even how to ask for it, you need to learn how to find your sexual voice.

Before I tell you what your sexual voice is, and how to find it, let me give you some of my story:

I was raised in the church to be a good girl. Obedient, demure, polite, undemanding, and definitely not sensual or to have my own sexual desire. I never raised my voice because when I tried I was punished– not by my parents but by various teachers I had growing up. I was taught to look after everybody else’s emotions, not rock the boat, keep quiet and don’t make a fuss.

Asking for what I wanted was “selfish” and “demanding”, and I was never allowed to put my own needs, wants or desires first.

If this sounds like you, then you’re not alone. This message of “keep quiet, don’t be selfish” is stays with us into adulthood, and it creeps into every area of our lives, including your sexuality. You become so used to staying silent that you have no idea who you are or what you want anymore.

This is why you need to learn how to find your sexual voice again.

But what is your sexual voice? If I could summarize it in just one sentence, it would be this:

You feel unapologetic and unashamed to be who you really are as a sexual being.

Just let that sink in for a moment. Does that feel true for you, right now? If it doesn’t, then notice where that shows up in your body. Finding your sexual voice is a process of coming alive and coming home to your body.

Here’s a checklist of how I define your sexual voice:

  • You feel empowered to speak up and ask for what you want.
  • You feel able to say NO to what you don’t want.
  • You feel unashamed to express your pleasure out loud and make noise when you’re making love.
  • You know who you are as a sexual being and how you like to show up in the bedroom.
  • You feel confident to interrupt a sexual activity when something hurts, feels uncomfortable, or if you’re just not feeling it.
  • You feel completely comfortable with your vulva and intimate areas and can name all of the parts without feeling embarrassed.
  • You know what your turn-ons and turn-offs are, and know how to express them to your beloved.
  • You aren’t afraid to take erotic risks because you know what your hard limits are, and how to voice them.

How many of those did you check off? It’s not a competition or a test, if you didn’t check off any then that’s completely ok! Think of this list as something to aspire to.

If you want to start finding your unique sexual voice and be able to finally ask for what you want in bed, then I invite you to book a 30 minute complimentary Sacred Compass Activation with me. Book it here.

You can also follow me on Instagram and on Facebook.

Mahalo nui loa

Dominique

6 exquisite ways to practice sensual self-care

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sensual self-care, Dominique Peters, Tantra, Tantra teacher

 

Take a breath for a moment and ask yourself this question: what does sensual self-care mean to you?

 

When you’re practicing “self-care”, what do you do?

Sure, self-care can be bubble baths, going for walks in nature or going on a retreat. It can also be what we call “boring self-care”, like making sure you eat regularly, paying your bills on time, going to medical appointments and keeping the bathroom clean. If you think of all the ways in which you could and should take care of yourself, you could list a lot of things.

If you’re struggling to find the time or the desire to do more self-care- because, let’s face it, life can get real hectic sometimes- you’re not alone! You’re tired out, overstretched and life is too busy.

And then you need to squeeze in time for sex too? Ha! In your dreams!

So what if I told you that how much you take care of yourself will affect your libido and your desire to be intimate with your honey? What if I also told you that self-care can be deeply sensual and pleasurable too?

Sensuality: you’ll see me use this word often, and it’s something I teach my clients. The key to nourishing your libido comes in nourishing your sensuality. So, when you neglect your sensual self, is it any surprise that your libido takes a hit too?

It’s time that you included feeding your sensuality into your self-care practice!

I’m going to share with you my 6 go-to sensual self-care practices that I swear by. Try them out, and then you’ll start finding your own.

1. Hand over your heart and yoni

The simplest acts are often the most effective and what you’ll keep coming back to. When you’re feeling scattered and dis-embodied, take a breath and check in with yourself. Place one hand over your heart and the other over your yoni/pelvis- depending on whether you’re in private or not. Take some breaths and tune into how you’re feeling energetically. Imagine there is a chord of light running between your heart and your yoni, and breathe! After a few breaths, feel into what is your body trying to tell you? What is your yoni trying to tell you?

2. Orgasmic movement

You KNOW you need to do more exercise… but if the thought of punishing yourself on the treadmill feels about as appealing as taking an ice bath, then I’ve got some good news!

You’re more likely to enjoy exercise when you actually ENJOY moving. If the exercises you’re currently doing feels more like a chore than a joy, maybe it’s time to switch it up?

Movement can be, and should feel, blissful.

It can be as simple as doing some hip circles and breaths, taking time to fully enjoy your yoga stretch or my FAVORITE: Orgasmic Yoga, also known as O-Yoga. It’s time you started to enjoy the real pleasure that you can cultivate in your body, so start to find out whatever movement you find the most blissful. Belly dancing, slow yoga, zumba or any sensual dancing are my favorites, but you need to find what works for you.

Whatever you do, treat it like a meditation and s-l-o-w-d-o-w-n to feel it.

3. Bathe like a goddess

Let me just say right here that bubble baths are delicious!

Sometimes there’s nothing more sensual than running a hot bath with some candles and delicious smelling oil and taking your time in the tub. My tip to you to make it more sensual and self-replenishing is to treat your bath as though you are bathing the goddess. Choose something divine smelling, you can actually take time to go and buy some bath gel or shower gel that smells SO DAMN GOOD that you can’t wait to get home and get under the water. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, or you may want to treat yourself and buy a more high-end product. Or, you can choose your favorite essential oils (make sure you dilute them with coconut oil or jojoba oil first!) and put them in your bath.

Whatever you decide on, make sure that it agrees with your skin, take care around bath products that could irritate your yoni and upset your delicate pH.

Treat this bath as a delicious meditation.

Switch your phone off, tell your family to not disturb you for 30 minutes and take your time. You can light some candles or burn some essential oil in a diffuser and even play some of your favorite music Really feel the hot water all over your body and how it feels touching your skin. Inhale the scents, rub the oils or product all over your skin and savor the moment. You can combine it with shaving your legs if you wish and when you come out of the bath, rub some scented lotion or even just coconut oil all over your skin.

Doesn’t that feel delicious?

4. Sensual self-massage

You can combine this with your goddess bathing, after a shower, on waking up or before you go to bed… or any time that you feel you need it! You can either use some heavenly scented lotion or body cream, plain coconut oil or if you’re in a hurry, just use your hands over your clothes.

The key is to tune into feeling your hands making contact with your skin, waking up your energy system and really feeling into your body. Take slow, sensual movements and take time to feel as much of your body as you can. Work up from your feet, your calves, your knees, thighs up to your butt, hips, waist, belly, breasts, to your neck, arms, hands and finally your face and head.

Treat this as a slow meditation of really FEELING yourself.

You can repeat some affirmations as you do it, “I am beautiful. I am a goddess. I am safe. I am divine. My body is beautiful. I am beautiful.”. You can also use this exercise as a self-soothing exercise when you’re feeling stressed.

5. Enjoy your coffee

Turn your morning cup of joe into a pleasure filled and nourishing practice. Yes, coffee can be both part of your self-care ritual AND a spiritual practice! If coffee isn’t your thing, you can substitute this with a cup of your favorite herbal tea or if you’re feeling particularly fancy, a cup of hot chocolate or cacao.

As you prepare your coffee, allow yourself to enjoy the aromas. Bathe in the delicious smell of your coffee and let it flood your senses. Allow yourself to salivate in anticipation of your hot cup of coffee. When you drink it, really, really SAVOR each mouthful. Let the taste roll over your tongue and feel it hit all of your pleasure spots. Allow yourself to savor and enjoy this delicious cup of liquid gold- even if it’s just for 5 minutes.

Allow yourself to ENJOY and be present.

6. Make self-pleasure a practice

You know that in order to master anything, you need to practice. You may have a regular yoga practice, you may go running, hiking or practice kickboxing each week. Maybe you have a regular meditation practice, you practice singing, you practice crochet or baking.

So… what if you made self-pleasure a practice too?

If it feels a little scary, I hear you. What would that commitment look like- a commitment to your pleasure and sexual wellness? You’re committing to making your sexual pleasure a priority- maybe for the first time in your life.

Regular self-pleasuring has SO many health benefits! From increasing blood flow, preventing vaginal atrophy, helping with incontinence and that regular orgasms are so good for your whole body. (An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away, eh?!).

Now, if you’re not in the habit of self-pleasuring at all, ever, then I hear you. If you would like to explore how you can increase the pleasure in your life and feel sexually alive again, I invite you to book a complimentary Sacred Compass Activation with me here.

 


 

What are your best sensual self-care practices? I’d love to hear from you because we are all so different. Maybe you didn’t resonate with any of my tools, and that’s ok! You find what activates your sensuality.

Whatever you do, do it with all of your senses!

Maholo nui loa

Dominique

The healing power of pleasure

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pleasure, Tantra, Dominique Peters

 

Take a deep breath.

I want you to imagine what it feels like to take your first sip of hot coffee in the morning.

Or maybe how it feels to smell a bunch of fresh cut flowers. Or how it feels when somebody gives you a back rub after a long day sitting in front of the computer.

Feels good, doesn’t it?

This is what pleasure is. Pleasure is something that you feel first and foremost in your body. It’s anything that feels yummy & delicious.

One of the biggest misconceptions about pleasure is that it only means sexual pleasure. Now don’t get me wrong, my work is about helping both women and men experience more sexual pleasure, but the secret to feeling more sexual pleasure is to start feeling pleasure in all its forms.

Do you remember the last time you felt real pleasure in your body that wasn’t related to sex?

I blame our culture.

We are afraid of pleasure

In the west, we are pleasure-phobic because there is a deeply ingrained belief that we must work hard and suffer to be worthy. In the USA, workers receive an average of just 10 days paid holiday in a whole year- including Christmas Day! American workers are working more than ever before and taking less time off, is it any wonder that we are feeling more stressed than ever?

When I was trying to get some statistics for this article, I typed into Google, “Why pleasure is […]” and the first suggestion that came up was, “Why pleasure is bad”.

We have a deeply held belief (which you can trace back to our founding fathers’ Puritanical roots) that pleasure equals sin.

I invite you to sit for a minute and feel into what comes up for you when you think about pleasure. Are you worried it means going into excess? That it means hedonism? That it will become addictive in the same way we can become addicted to alcohol, fatty foods, cigarettes and recreational drugs?

If we are so deeply afraid of feeling pleasurable sensations, then I say no wonder we are feeling so stressed and disconnected from our bodies, and consequently aren’t enjoying sex!

Pleasure is medicine

I want to introduce a radical new way of thinking about pleasure: Pleasure as healing medicine. There is more scientific evidence coming out about how pleasure decreases stress hormones, increases all the feel-good hormones of oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins, inhibits inflammation and even slows down the aging process!

If it’s commonly acknowledged that stress is the number one cause of most serious illnesses and health conditions, then wouldn’t pleasure be the number one remedy?

In our fast-paced and overstressed society, we need to be doing more of what brings us real joy and lights us up.

Tantra teaches us that pleasure is medicine and that pleasure is a practice: this is what I teach to my clients.

Pleasure is a practice

Taking the time to cultivate pleasure in your life may not be easy at first. We have been so conditioned to shut down our authentic feelings, desires, and dreams that to reverse this behavior can take some work.

When I work with women, their most common resistance is that they don’t want to be “selfish”, “demanding” or they’re afraid of offending someone. They think they’re just too busy to focus on themselves, even if it’s just for 20 minutes a day and they’ve got no energy for it.

Can you hear yourself saying that, as you read this? What’s stopping you from taking 20 minutes a day doing something that brings you joy?

Cultivating pleasure means actively searching for what brings you a feeling of joy, bliss, and connectedness. It can be as simple as when you’re walking in your neighborhood and you smell the aroma of freshly baked bread as you walk past a bake shop, you stop for a few moments and allow yourself to inhale the smell. Or if you’re sitting inside your house reading the newspaper and you see that the sun is shining outside, that you go and sit in the garden and enjoy the sunshine.

Here’s my challenge to you:

Make a “bliss list” of everything that brings you pleasure, alone, with friends and with a partner. You’ll find that when you start making a conscious effort to experiencing more pleasure in your life, you’ll find more things that bring you pleasure!

If you want to take the next step to experience more joy, bliss, and pleasure in your life, I have tailored packages designed to support you using Tantric techniques and my signature program, the Sacred Sexual Compass.

I invite you to book a free 30-minute Sacred Compass Activation with me to see how it can transform your life by clicking here.