Why You Freeze in the Bedroom and Don’t Know What to Ask For: Finding Your Sexual Voice

finding your sexual voice, Dominique Peters, sex and relationship coach

Finding your sexual voice

In my work with women, both as a sex coach and an Intentional Creativity teacher, my work is all about helping them find their voice again after staying silent for years. Maybe you’ve already done this work of finding your voice? You dance, you have a creativity practice, you sing, you journal, you practice asserting your boundaries. But if you’re finding that you still freeze in the bedroom, don’t know what you want or even how to ask for it, you need to learn how to find your sexual voice.

Before I tell you what your sexual voice is, and how to find it, let me give you some of my story:

I was raised in the church to be a good girl. Obedient, demure, polite, undemanding, and definitely not sensual or to have my own sexual desire. I never raised my voice because when I tried I was punished– not by my parents but by various teachers I had growing up. I was taught to look after everybody else’s emotions, not rock the boat, keep quiet and don’t make a fuss.

Asking for what I wanted was “selfish” and “demanding”, and I was never allowed to put my own needs, wants or desires first.

If this sounds like you, then you’re not alone. This message of “keep quiet, don’t be selfish” is stays with us into adulthood, and it creeps into every area of our lives, including your sexuality. You become so used to staying silent that you have no idea who you are or what you want anymore.

This is why you need to learn how to find your sexual voice again.

But what is your sexual voice? If I could summarize it in just one sentence, it would be this:

You feel unapologetic and unashamed to be who you really are as a sexual being.

Just let that sink in for a moment. Does that feel true for you, right now? If it doesn’t, then notice where that shows up in your body. Finding your sexual voice is a process of coming alive and coming home to your body.

Here’s a checklist of how I define your sexual voice:

  • You feel empowered to speak up and ask for what you want.
  • You feel able to say NO to what you don’t want.
  • You feel unashamed to express your pleasure out loud and make noise when you’re making love.
  • You know who you are as a sexual being and how you like to show up in the bedroom.
  • You feel confident to interrupt a sexual activity when something hurts, feels uncomfortable, or if you’re just not feeling it.
  • You feel completely comfortable with your vulva and intimate areas and can name all of the parts without feeling embarrassed.
  • You know what your turn-ons and turn-offs are, and know how to express them to your beloved.
  • You aren’t afraid to take erotic risks because you know what your hard limits are, and how to voice them.

How many of those did you check off? It’s not a competition or a test, if you didn’t check off any then that’s completely ok! Think of this list as something to aspire to.

If you want to start finding your unique sexual voice and be able to finally ask for what you want in bed, then I invite you to book a 30 minute complimentary Sacred Compass Activation with me. Book it here.

You can also follow me on Instagram and on Facebook.

Mahalo nui loa

Dominique

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Mahalo nui loa

Dominique xox

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