As much as I love talking about sex, desire, intimacy,
You may have experienced this in your own life, and it’s part of your story to how you came to where you are right now. I have had the honor and privilege of supporting so many brave warrior women, and men, as they have fought to reclaim their bodies and their stories and turn their wounds into wisdom.
I’m talking about the hidden cost of trauma, especially sexual trauma. It’s the age of #MeToo and #TimesUp. Women are finally raising their voices and naming something that made them feel so alone, so isolated, and like it was their fault.
If this is you, and you’re reading this now with a trembling heart, then I want to send you my love and support. I want to tell you that I see you, I see your journey and I see how incredibly beautiful and brave you are.
You may not have told anyone, you may have carried this for years, or you may feel like you’re the only one to have gone through this, which is why I want to tell you again, I see you and and I see your incredible strength..
Sexual wounds are the deepest, most profound and life-altering wounds that can affect us. I’ve worked with countless women and men to help them transform their deep pain into something truly beautiful. While you can’t ever erase the past, and you may never be the same again, you can absolutely transmute your wounds into your greatest gift.
On your journey to finding healing and wholeness, you’ll need to practice exquisite tenderness, patience, love, and compassion with the person who needs love most of all: YOU.
Healing is not a quick fix, and it’s not a linear process. Give yourself time and space to unfold and become.
Here I’m going to share my 3 best practices that I use with clients to help find your safe space, find your inner strength, and come home to yourself again.
These are in no way meant as a replacement for therapy or specific trauma healing tools. If you are at the beginning of your journey, I encourage you to seek professional help from a compassionate and trauma-informed therapist or practitioner.
Use these tools to support yourself and help you on the most important journey of your life: your journey back to you again.
1. Find your support resources
I invite you to find a quiet place where you can be with yourself. Take a pen and paper, and list everything that grounds and supports you; what are your inner and outer resources.
Think of these as your inner toolkit.
Your inner resources could be your stamina, your intuition, your resilience, memories that life you up and make you feel proud of yourself, your creativity, or something else.
Your outer strengths could be physical exercise that make you feel strong in your body, or dancing, yoga, or maybe close people you can talk to, going to a peaceful place, being by the water or just in nature. Perhaps they are online articles on healing, or inspiring books.
Use these support resources as your healing toolkit to draw upon whenever you need it.
2. Come home to your body
Does your body feel like a safe place?
One of the most profound effects of trauma is that your body no longer feels safe. This is because when there is too much emotional pain, our brain ‘turns off” feeling in the parts of the body where it is stored. So when you try to tune in to your body, it feels unpleasant, unsafe, and threatening.
Maybe your heart starts racing, something chokes your throat, or painful memories and thoughts may come up.
Or perhaps you just feel disconnected, numb, disassociated, disembodied. These are all very normal and common symptoms of trauma, it’s your nervous system (unsuccessfully) trying to regulate itself.
The key is being kind and patient with yourself, and starting small.
Next time you feel triggered-, try to localize the sensation in your body and focus only on physical aspect of it. Is it big, small, burning, cold, spacious, constricted? Then look for a place in your body that feels safe, supporting and cozy, and rest your attention there.
There are many embodiment techniques that you can learn to help you come home to your body again, which I teach to my clients. I talk about how to practice exquisite, sensual self-care in this post here.
3. Express yourself
Sometimes words are not enough to express the depths of how you feel, and the nuances of your soul. Not everything that needs to be said can be said verbally, with words, which is why using creativity to express yourself is healing.
Turn your wounds, your feelings and your innermost stirrings into art! You could paint, draw, sculpt, create, doodle, or collage. Turn a corner of your house into your own personal art laboratory and paint your soul.
Or you can use your body and dance! It’s not about looking a certain way, or trying to dance perfectly, it’s about moving your body to express your emotions. You could go to a sacred dance workshop, try out classes like 5 Rhythms or Biodanza, try belly dance or just create a playlist of your favorite songs and dance like nobody is watching.
You can use your voice and sing it out, write poetry or spoken word. Whatever medium you use, using creativity is a medium to access hidden parts of yourself. I highly recommend the work of SARK, and Shiloh Sophia McCloud and Intentional Creativity.
Wherever you are on your sexual healing journey, remember that you are not alone!
You are walking in the footsteps of countless women who have gone before you, and you can walk into the light. You can turn this most painful experience into your greatest gift to yourself, and to the world. You are not broken, you are whole, beautiful and divine.
Mahalo nui loa