Take a breath for a moment and ask yourself this question: what does sensual self-care mean to you?
When you’re practicing “self-care”, what do you do?
Sure, self-care can be bubble baths, going for walks in nature or going on a retreat. It can also be what we call “boring self-care”, like making sure you eat regularly, paying your bills on time, going to medical appointments and keeping the bathroom clean. If you think of all the ways in which you could and should take care of yourself, you could list a lot of things.
If you’re struggling to find the time or the desire to do more self-care- because, let’s face it, life can get real hectic sometimes- you’re not alone! You’re tired out, overstretched and life is too busy.
And then you need to squeeze in time for sex too? Ha! In your dreams!
So what if I told you that how much you take care of yourself will affect your libido and your desire to be intimate with your honey? What if I also told you that self-care can be deeply sensual and pleasurable too?
Sensuality: you’ll see me use this word often, and it’s something I teach my clients. The key to nourishing your libido comes in nourishing your sensuality. So, when you neglect your sensual self, is it any surprise that your libido takes a hit too?
It’s time that you included feeding your sensuality into your self-care practice!
I’m going to share with you my 6 go-to sensual self-care practices that I swear by. Try them out, and then you’ll start finding your own.
1. Hand over your heart and yoni
The simplest acts are often the most effective and what you’ll keep coming back to. When you’re feeling scattered and dis-embodied, take a breath and check in with yourself. Place one hand over your heart and the other over your yoni/pelvis- depending on whether you’re in private or not. Take some breaths and tune into how you’re feeling energetically. Imagine there is a chord of light running between your heart and your yoni, and breathe! After a few breaths, feel into what is your body trying to tell you? What is your yoni trying to tell you?
2. Orgasmic movement
You KNOW you need to do more exercise… but if the thought of punishing yourself on the treadmill feels about as appealing as taking an ice bath, then I’ve got some good news!
You’re more likely to enjoy exercise when you actually ENJOY moving. If the exercises you’re currently doing feels more like a chore than a joy, maybe it’s time to switch it up?
Movement can be, and should feel, blissful.
It can be as simple as doing some hip circles and breaths, taking time to fully enjoy your yoga stretch or my FAVORITE: Orgasmic Yoga, also known as O-Yoga. It’s time you started to enjoy the real pleasure that you can cultivate in your body, so start to find out whatever movement you find the most blissful. Belly dancing, slow yoga, zumba or any sensual dancing are my favorites, but you need to find what works for you.
Whatever you do, treat it like a meditation and s-l-o-w-d-o-w-n to feel it.
3. Bathe like a goddess
Let me just say right here that bubble baths are delicious!
Sometimes there’s nothing more sensual than running a hot bath with some candles and delicious smelling oil and taking your time in the tub. My tip to you to make it more sensual and self-replenishing is to treat your bath as though you are bathing the goddess. Choose something divine smelling, you can actually take time to go and buy some bath gel or shower gel that smells SO DAMN GOOD that you can’t wait to get home and get under the water. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, or you may want to treat yourself and buy a more high-end product. Or, you can choose your favorite essential oils (make sure you dilute them with coconut oil or jojoba oil first!) and put them in your bath.
Whatever you decide on, make sure that it agrees with your skin, take care around bath products that could irritate your yoni and upset your delicate pH.
Treat this bath as a delicious meditation.
Switch your phone off, tell your family to not disturb you for 30 minutes and take your time. You can light some candles or burn some essential oil in a diffuser and even play some of your favorite music Really feel the hot water all over your body and how it feels touching your skin. Inhale the scents, rub the oils or product all over your skin and savor the moment. You can combine it with shaving your legs if you wish and when you come out of the bath, rub some scented lotion or even just coconut oil all over your skin.
Doesn’t that feel delicious?
4. Sensual self-massage
You can combine this with your goddess bathing, after a shower, on waking up or before you go to bed… or any time that you feel you need it! You can either use some heavenly scented lotion or body cream, plain coconut oil or if you’re in a hurry, just use your hands over your clothes.
The key is to tune into feeling your hands making contact with your skin, waking up your energy system and really feeling into your body. Take slow, sensual movements and take time to feel as much of your body as you can. Work up from your feet, your calves, your knees, thighs up to your butt, hips, waist, belly, breasts, to your neck, arms, hands and finally your face and head.
Treat this as a slow meditation of really FEELING yourself.
You can repeat some affirmations as you do it, “I am beautiful. I am a goddess. I am safe. I am divine. My body is beautiful. I am beautiful.”. You can also use this exercise as a self-soothing exercise when you’re feeling stressed.
5. Enjoy your coffee
Turn your morning cup of joe into a pleasure filled and nourishing practice. Yes, coffee can be both part of your self-care ritual AND a spiritual practice! If coffee isn’t your thing, you can substitute this with a cup of your favorite herbal tea or if you’re feeling particularly fancy, a cup of hot chocolate or cacao.
As you prepare your coffee, allow yourself to enjoy the aromas. Bathe in the delicious smell of your coffee and let it flood your senses. Allow yourself to salivate in anticipation of your hot cup of coffee. When you drink it, really, really SAVOR each mouthful. Let the taste roll over your tongue and feel it hit all of your pleasure spots. Allow yourself to savor and enjoy this delicious cup of liquid gold- even if it’s just for 5 minutes.
Allow yourself to ENJOY and be present.
6. Make self-pleasure a practice
You know that in order to master anything, you need to practice. You may have a regular yoga practice, you may go running, hiking or practice kickboxing each week. Maybe you have a regular meditation practice, you practice singing, you practice crochet or baking.
So… what if you made self-pleasure a practice too?
If it feels a little scary, I hear you. What would that commitment look like- a commitment to your pleasure and sexual wellness? You’re committing to making your sexual pleasure a priority- maybe for the first time in your life.
Regular self-pleasuring has SO many health benefits! From increasing blood flow, preventing vaginal atrophy, helping with incontinence and that regular orgasms are so good for your whole body. (An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away, eh?!).
Now, if you’re not in the habit of self-pleasuring at all, ever, then I hear you. If you would like to explore how you can increase the pleasure in your life and feel sexually alive again, I invite you to book a complimentary Sacred Compass Activation with me here.
What are your best sensual self-care practices? I’d love to hear from you because we are all so different. Maybe you didn’t resonate with any of my tools, and that’s ok! You find what activates your sensuality.
Whatever you do, do it with all of your senses!
Maholo nui loa
Who do you consider your teacher?
We find many teachers as we journey through life- some we intentionally choose, and some who find their way to us. When you choose to take a journey of personal, spiritual and sexual growth, you will look for someone who’s been there and who can guide you along. You’ll look for a spiritual teacher or even a guru who’s walked the path so that you can find your own path.
You’ll find many Tantra teachers and training programs out there, however, they are not always what they seem. A few schools of Tantra have been in the media recently having been outed with very serious allegations of sexual misconduct and assault by their students. I feel that it’s my duty of care to encourage you to really do your research when choosing a teacher, training program or “guru”. (I do not believe in “gurus” by the way!).
The best teachers are those who walk their talk, who’ve been to hell and back and can now light the way for you. They don’t just tell you what to do, they go through it with you.
I am always very careful about who I choose to teach me, and with very good reason.
I trained with many renowned teachers, including Psalm Isadora, SARK, Shiloh Sophia Mcloud who I respected and admired. I also came across many people who called themselves teachers who I would not recommend.
Before you choose a teacher, here are 5 questions that I always ask myself before choosing a teacher, and I invite you to do the same:
Are they genuine?
Are they speaking from the heart, or are they just repeating a lot of spiritual new age nonsense? Do they genuinely care about the welfare of their students? Do they show care in their classes?
Have they lived through what they teach?
Have they been to hell and back? Do they practice what they preach on a day-to-day basis? Are they really “walking the walk” as opposed to just saying all the right things?
What do their past students say?
A genuine teacher will be happy for you to speak to past students and ask for feedback. Really do your homework and find out what previous students have said and how they found the teacher.
How do they handle complaints?
Pay attention to how your teacher handles complaints and criticism. Do they go on the defensive and try to blame the accuser? Do they make excuses and claim it was just a “mistake”? Or do they own their crap, take responsibility and try to make amends?
Do they have accountability?
Nobody, not even your guru, is beyond accountability! Nobody can do this kind of work alone and without peer support. Does your teacher have a support system of their own and mentors of their own? In most forms of psychotherapy, supervision is mandatory precisely because nobody is perfect. If your teacher is truly alone and says they don’t “need” mentors- that’s a warning sign!
I have mentors, colleagues, and supporters because I am human. As is your teacher.
Above all, use your discernment and trust your gut instinct. If you’re getting a strong gut reaction about a teacher or training, HONOR THAT and walk away.
Nobody is perfect, and sometimes your teacher will mess up because we are all human. Yes, even me! What matters is how they take responsibility for their actions and for their students.
Think very carefully about calling somebody a “guru” and putting them on a pedestal. Nobody is “above” you and spiritual abilities do NOT equate being an integrated person or having integrity.
What do you think? What questions do you ask before choosing a new teacher?
I hope that if you choose me as your teacher, I will prove myself to you and earn your trust. If you feel called to work with me, then I invite you to join the Sacred Sexual Compass program which started last week.
Take a deep breath.
I want you to imagine what it feels like to take your first sip of hot coffee in the morning.
Or maybe how it feels to smell a bunch of fresh cut flowers. Or how it feels when somebody gives you a back rub after a long day sitting in front of the computer.
Feels good, doesn’t it?
This is what pleasure is. Pleasure is something that you feel first and foremost in your body. It’s anything that feels yummy & delicious.
One of the biggest misconceptions about pleasure is that it only means sexual pleasure. Now don’t get me wrong, my work is about helping both women and men experience more sexual pleasure, but the secret to feeling more sexual pleasure is to start feeling pleasure in all its forms.
Do you remember the last time you felt real pleasure in your body that wasn’t related to sex?
I blame our culture.
We are afraid of pleasure
In the west, we are pleasure-phobic because there is a deeply ingrained belief that we must work hard and suffer to be worthy. In the USA, workers receive an average of just 10 days paid holiday in a whole year- including Christmas Day! American workers are working more than ever before and taking less time off, is it any wonder that we are feeling more stressed than ever?
When I was trying to get some statistics for this article, I typed into Google, “Why pleasure is […]” and the first suggestion that came up was, “Why pleasure is bad”.
We have a deeply held belief (which you can trace back to our founding fathers’ Puritanical roots) that pleasure equals sin.
I invite you to sit for a minute and feel into what comes up for you when you think about pleasure. Are you worried it means going into excess? That it means hedonism? That it will become addictive in the same way we can become addicted to alcohol, fatty foods, cigarettes and recreational drugs?
If we are so deeply afraid of feeling pleasurable sensations, then I say no wonder we are feeling so stressed and disconnected from our bodies, and consequently aren’t enjoying sex!
Pleasure is medicine
I want to introduce a radical new way of thinking about pleasure: Pleasure as healing medicine. There is more scientific evidence coming out about how pleasure decreases stress hormones, increases all the feel-good hormones of oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins, inhibits inflammation and even slows down the aging process!
If it’s commonly acknowledged that stress is the number one cause of most serious illnesses and health conditions, then wouldn’t pleasure be the number one remedy?
In our fast-paced and overstressed society, we need to be doing more of what brings us real joy and lights us up.
Tantra teaches us that pleasure is medicine and that pleasure is a practice: this is what I teach to my clients.
Pleasure is a practice
Taking the time to cultivate pleasure in your life may not be easy at first. We have been so conditioned to shut down our authentic feelings, desires, and dreams that to reverse this behavior can take some work.
When I work with women, their most common resistance is that they don’t want to be “selfish”, “demanding” or they’re afraid of offending someone. They think they’re just too busy to focus on themselves, even if it’s just for 20 minutes a day and they’ve got no energy for it.
Can you hear yourself saying that, as you read this? What’s stopping you from taking 20 minutes a day doing something that brings you joy?
Cultivating pleasure means actively searching for what brings you a feeling of joy, bliss, and connectedness. It can be as simple as when you’re walking in your neighborhood and you smell the aroma of freshly baked bread as you walk past a bake shop, you stop for a few moments and allow yourself to inhale the smell. Or if you’re sitting inside your house reading the newspaper and you see that the sun is shining outside, that you go and sit in the garden and enjoy the sunshine.
Here’s my challenge to you:
Make a “bliss list” of everything that brings you pleasure, alone, with friends and with a partner. You’ll find that when you start making a conscious effort to experiencing more pleasure in your life, you’ll find more things that bring you pleasure!
If you want to take the next step to experience more joy, bliss, and pleasure in your life, I have tailored packages designed to support you using Tantric techniques and my signature program, the Sacred Sexual Compass.
I invite you to book a free 30-minute Sacred Compass Activation with me to see how it can transform your life by clicking here.
When I was growing up, my body didn’t belong to me.
I was taught that as a little girl, my body belonged to God and then my future husband. The idea that I could choose what I did with my body and who I shared it with never occurred to me until I chose to pursue sexual healing.
Being sexually empowered is something I choose to embody and teach.
But what does it mean to be sexually empowered? Does it mean that you have to have multiple lovers, be the kinkiest in the room or dress a certain way?
Absolutely not! Sexual empowerment is about freedom of choice and owning your sexuality, darling.
Here I’ll share what sexual empowerment means to me:
You know your body
When you learned about your body in highschool, how much did they teach you about your sexual anatomy? Sure, you may have learned about the ovaries, the uterus, the testicles and the penis. But I bet they never taught you about the clitoris, the G-Spot (in both men and women!) the prostate or what feels really pleasurable.
Do you know your sexual response cycle? Do you know where you like to be touched? Do you know what kind of touch you like?
Sexual empowerment starts with knowing your body and how it functions. This also includes being responsible about your sexual health, using contraception and practising safer sex.
Making empowered choices about your body is sexy!
You feel free to say “yes” and “no”
It sounds simple, being sexually empowered means you are free to say “YES!”, “No” or “Not Yet”. Many people do not have that power- and this is why sex without consent is not sex, it’s assault.
Consent is a word that is being used a lot these days- and for good reason! If you are not freely, enthusiastically and making an informed choice about what you are doing sexually, that is not consent.
Sexual empowerment is when you don’t feel under pressure to do anything sexual that you don’t want to do. Whether it’s pressure from your partner, your hookup or what you’re telling yourself that you “should” do something. Be mindful of this.
I want you to say “OH HELL YES!!” to sex, or at the very least, “Hmm, I’m not feeling it yet, maybe later?”.
Your body, your sexuality, your choice.
You own your desires and you communicate them
Admit it, you’ve got fantasies, haven’t you? If you’re really honest with yourself, what do you most want to experience in the bedroom? What haven’t you tried yet that you’re secretly burning to try?
Whether it’s being tied up, trying handcuffs, a long and sensual massage or trying different sex toys, being sexually empowered is embracing your sexual desires as healthy.
This includes your kinks and dark fantasies, it’s time you owned them! Why not create a “sexual bucket list” of everything that you like and would like to try?
Once you know what you like (and what you don’t like!), you need to communicate this clearly with your partner(s).
Think about it, how can somebody else know what you like? When you go to a restaurant, don’t you tell the serving staff just how you like your steak done, or to not put too much cheese on your pasta? The same comes to sex!
Shake off that shame and voice what you want!
You make up your own mind
Growing up, you will have been given lots of messages about your body, what was expected of your gender, about sex, sexuality, love, and relationships.
How much of what you were taught do YOU agree with today?
You are an adult and are free to make your own personal choices about YOUR body, YOUR relationships, and YOUR sexuality. (As long as it’s consensual!!).
Sexual empowerment is actively choosing what you believe, and deciding what you do with your life. Whether you choose to have multiple partners, only one partner or no partners at all. The choice is yours, my love. Don’t feel bad for what you believe and what you have chosen.
It’s also letting other people choose to live how they choose.
You are an infinite being with a beautiful sexuality.
May you be sexually empowered.